The Truce
by HesitantFlames
Summary: Getting things even with Xiaoyu seems to be a more difficult job than they had first thought.
1. Ceasefire

It's my debut fic, so don't laugh at my amateur writing. Live and learn, people.

Disclaimer: I don't own Tekken. But I do own a pencil sharpener that stayed sharp for three years.

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Chapter 1: Ceasefire

"Are you some sort of idiot?!" yelled Asuka, raising a fist in anger. She'd actually thought of doing the dirty finger at that stupid brat. Dammit, she'd already woken up late, put her socks on inside out, and forgotten her all-important lip balm. And here was Lili, smug at making her topple over her bike and spill out her lunch.

Soon, they were fighting - fists and feet and foul exclamations - and, to be honest, both of them liked it. Revenge was sweeter than sweet could get, and now that they both had the chance to exact vengeance on each other, it was the time of their lives. Neither of them cared anymore - being late for school, pausing for number two, missing a new episode of that teen angst show, the seasons of the year coming and going, the Martians beating the Mishima Zaibatsu and conquering the Earth, pausing for another number two, Miguel admitting to being gay - oh no, nothing mattered more than beating each other up to a pulp.

Suddenly, a huge panda bear which looked like it was kidnapping the girl sitting on it - wasn't that Xiaoyu? - rushed its way between the two of them (successfully separating the two, which would prove to be an impossible task otherwise), hurled Lili's limousine upward, and sped away as if it had hit nothing and nobody at all. It all happened so fast that the whole thing could probably be only some dream, but they were sprawling on the ground.

Now how could they explain that?

Lili and Asuka got up and glared at each other, putting all of their hate into the stare. Then Asuka began to chase Xiaoyu and the panda bear, shouting, "Wait!" even as Lili followed her and yelled, "Stop right there!" They pursued them for a while, hollering for them to stop. However, the mysterious panda bear seemed to be running at the speed of light, and Xiaoyu stuck out her tongue, saying, "Bai bai!" as she and the panda disappeared into the horizon, leaving the two girls panting.

"What the hell was that about?" said Lili, looking around for her limousine. Then she looked up to the sky. She felt stupid, but her limo got thrown _upward_, didn't it? "Where's my limo?!"

"Like I care," said Asuka through gritted teeth. How could that panda get away? And it looked quite familiar too...

"That panda's going to decorate the living room floor when I see it again," said Lili, still looking around for her vehicle. "Did my limo defy the laws of gravity and decided not to land?"

"Hmph," scoffed Asuka. _Oh,_ _she thinks she's some sort of Isaac Newton now, is she?_ Asuka thought. _I hope the limo lands on her the same way the apple lands on Newton._ But Asuka did not feel like fighting Lili again. It was Xiaoyu she wanted now. And once Asuka finds a target, she rarely takes her attention off it. She kicked a rock aside, frustrated. Then she looked up at Lili, who was staring back at her in such a strange way that Asuka had to say something before she laughed at her face. "What?"

"I have an idea." Lili crossed her arms over her chest. "You hate Xiaoyu now, right?"

Asuka scowled. "If you thought I'm through with you -"

Lili waved an arm impatiently, cutting her off. "Let me finish. This sounds crazy, I know, but-"

"You always sound crazy, thank you for reminding me."

"And you always sound like a retard," Lili snapped back. "Won't you let me finish?" Asuka just stared at her. Lili smirked. "Thank you very much. Here's a little proposition: we work together to hunt down Xiaoyu and avenge ourselves, then we're back to hating each other."

Asuka was immediately suspicious. "And what makes you think I'm going to work with you?"

Lili only smiled. "They say some things are better done as a team, right? Think about it."

Asuka did, and so she formulated a plan. She'll 'work' with Lili for a while, and as they take down Xiaoyu, she'll turn the tables against her and take her down as well. Such a plan was foolproof.

"What is it, then?" Lili said, offering a hand. "Temporary truce?"

Asuka looked at Lili's outstretched hand. _She doesn't know what she's up against,_ Asuka thought. _Both of you are going down, down, down! _She took her hand and shook it. "You got it."

Little did Asuka know that Lili was planning the exact same thing against her.

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Yes, I appreciate reviews as much as the next guy.


	2. First Attempt: Swamp Monster

First Attempt: Swamp Monster

Xiaoyu sighed. Why would Grandpa Jinrei have those leg cramps now? Because of this, she was asked to get some sort of plant in the nearby swamp. And because of this, she couldn't visit that new amusement park at the city with Miharu. Why?

She and Panda trudged around, looking for the purple-stemmed plant Grandpa was talking about. "I don't see it anywhere," said Xiaoyu. She was beginning to feel scared. It was cold and dark and gloomy here in the swamp, and rumors abound that swamp monsters haunt this place and eat people who dare come into their territory. But she knew Panda would protect her.

The eerie silence was broken when they heard a loud splash not far from they stood, like something heavy was dropped into the murky waters. "What was that?" said Xiaoyu, her voice shaking. Panda looked around, alert for any sign of movement. But they heard nothing more other than the sound of their breathing and insects buzzing around.

She and Panda started to search for the plant again. Then they heard a high-pitched scream. It echoed around the marsh.

Xiaoyu was really frightened now, but she would not give up on finding that plant for Grandpa Jinrei. She had promised that she would find it. She motioned for Panda to follow her. "Come on, Panda."

"And whose idea was this?" hissed Lili as she tried to put on her green swamp monster costume, which looked like leaves sewn crudely together by vines. She had a hard time finding the holes for her arms. "Ew, this thing smells like rotten poop. Did you sit on this before giving it to me?"

Asuka, who had her own swamp monster suit on (and looked like one of those Tangle Kelps in Plants vs. Zombies), looked offended. "Hey, don't diss it," she said. "I spent all night making them. I even forced Jin to help me out."

"Jin," Lili said, recognizing the name and saying it like it was something unpleasant that she had to get out of her mouth. "Jin Kazama? That emo boy?" She gave up trying to put on the green stuff altogether. "Yuck. I won't wear it."

"And why not?" said Asuka. What is with this girl?

"It's contaminated."

"Watch it," said Asuka, curling her hands into fists. "Whose fault was it? You're the one who wanted to work together. And you haven't thought of a specific plan yet, yourself. So I took matters into my own hands, and -"

"Well, you're not the only one who gets a say in this, you know!" said Lili, struggling to keep her voice down. "Just because Xiaoyu's petrified of swamp monsters, it doesn't mean that _we'll_ become swamp monsters just to scare the crap out of her!" She looked at Asuka, who now looked as if she wanted to strangle her. "You're not being creative, you know."

"Oh, is being creative our key to freedom?" mocked Asuka. Lili answered by chucking the costume into the swamp water, which caused a loud splash.

"What's the matter with you?" said Asuka, looking over the low tree they were hiding behind and seeing Xiaoyu startled and casting her eyes everywhere. She'd heard the noise.

Lili only glared.

"Listen up," Asuka said, taking over the responsibilty of leading them out of this mess. Sometimes, Lili acted so childish she could beat a five-year-old at it. Asuka wondered if she was like this to her father. "We'll at least try, okay? And if my plan doesn't work, it's your turn to think of something."

Lili thought about it; then she grinned. That was enough for her. She'd already thought of something, in fact. But it would have to wait till the end of this silly operation. "Fine." She picked up her suit, which was dripping wet. She regretted dropping it in the grimy swamp water.

"Don't blame me for that, Miss I'd-Rather-Be-Creative," said Asuka smugly, seeing Lili's drenched costume and the look on her rival's face. "You're the one who threw it in there."

"Shut up." Lili tried to put it on again, but was slightly alarmed as she saw a large water bug creeping about in the suit. She swatted it away. "Disgusting. I hate this place. There are too many mosquitoes. My father would never approve of me going here at all."

Asuka smirked. Lili the daddy's girl, all right. "Whatever." After another minute, Lili had finally finished putting it on.

"Let's do this," said Lili, flexing her arms. It was a bit hard to move in her heavy costume, but it would have to do.

"You need to review what we're going to do?"

"I'm not as slow at getting things as you are."

Choosing to let the insult pass, Asuka had an idea. She picked up something from the damp ground and held it up. "Hey, you dropped your bracelet."

Lili opened her palm to take it. "Why, thank y-" Asuka handed it over, and no tarsier's eyes would ever become wider than Lili's as she realized that she was holding the water bug she had flicked aside just a moment ago. She shrieked as Asuka chuckled, clutching her stomach. Lili tossed the blasted insect into the water before it could bite her or something, then proceeded to punch the culprit on the nose.

"Ow! What was that for?"

Xiaoyu was almost sure that she was hearing whispers, but they were too faint for her to understand. She sang 'Eye of the Tiger' while dancing about to get her mind off things as they continued to look for the plant.

"Hey, I found it!" exclaimed Xiaoyu, bending down to examine a bush with unusual purple stems. She produced a pair of scissors from her shoulder bag and began to randomly cut off bits of the plant, putting the little pieces in a plastic bag. "There we go. I hope it's enough for Grandpa!" She held up the plastic bag jubilantly for Panda to see. "What do you think, Panda?" Her smile disappeared when she heard a splash.

From the corner of her eye, she saw the swamp waters rippling violently, like something - or someone - had jumped into it. Panda followed her gaze and growled. Then, a green SOMETHING charged at them from the purple-stemmed plant!

"Aaaahhh!" screeched Xiaoyu. "The swamp monster!" Panda stepped forward, shielding her master, and braced herself for a fight. The 'swamp monster' moved forward slowly, growling, taking its time...

But something weird happened. Before it could get any closer, the green something sort of stumbled over something, and it rolled to the side, hitting another green something that seemed to be coming out of the misty water. Xiaoyu heard something like two human voices, but they were so low that she was not able to make sense of anything they said - if they even said anything, or it was all just some weird noise. The 'swamp monsters' got tangled together, then they slipped and toppled into the swamp water.

The sight would have been very funny if Xiaoyu was in an amusement park, but she was in a swamp, and she had to get out of there quick before those monsters decided to resurrect themselves.

Panda made a move towards where the monsters fell in, but Xiaoyu stopped her. "Don't. Maybe the crocodiles will eat them." Her heart was beating very fast, like she'd run from King Kong, or Marduk. "Let's go." Together, they ran off in the opposite direction.

They were following Xiaoyu for twenty minutes already, and their suits were beginning to itch and grow hot. They huddled behind a strange bush with purple stems. "When will we come out and scare her brains out?" asked Lili, growing impatient.

Asuka did not take her eyes away from her target. Her nose still hurt from the blow Lili had given her earlier, and she was quite certain it had become crooked, but she had no time for it now. "This is harder than I thought. How about a change of plans?"

"What?" They heard Xiaoyu singing something. Lili listened. "Crap. 'Eye of the Tiger'? Twenty-first century much?"

"Back to business," Asuka said, waving away Lili's crude comment. "Didn't she say she was looking for some purple-stemmed plant?" She pointed to the bush they were hiding behind. "Well, here it is."

"Yes, I saw it! I'm not stupid."

"It doesn't show." Asuka waited for some kind of retort, but heard none. She went on: "What if she sees the plant, then sees _us_ here? So" - she pointed at the sinister-looking swamp lake behind them - "we ought to hide underwater. Then when she gets here, we'll pounce!"

Lili was revolted. She, dive in that water which looked like it spawned fungi? "Ew. I am SO not getting in there."

Asuka expected as much. "You are if you don't want her panda bear tossing you up like it did to your limo."

"Tch." Lili had never seen her limo again, but her driver did turn up in their mansion, looking like he'd survived an avalanche, that night. It was a good thing her father was away on a business trip, or he would have skinned her alive - or worse, grounded her. She scrutinized the ominously dirty water, remembering how the driver had looked then: limping, clothes torn. She decided that she'd rather spend ten seconds under the swamp water than get flung up by that brutally inclined panda. "All right, then. But _you're_ diving with me, right?"

"Of course!" assured Asuka. She looked over the bush and hastily hid back down. She shoved Lili. "Dive in! She's coming!"

"YOU dive first!" said Lili, shoving her back. They could hear Xiaoyu say, "Hey, I found it!" and the sound of scissors snipping. Asuka pointed at Lili's chest, then jabbed her finger at the water. Lili clenched her teeth, but decided to obey. There was no time to fuss around. She pinched her nose and jumped into the water.

Asuka couldn't help smiling. _That sucker!_ she thought. Of course Asuka wouldn't dive in after her! So she jumped out of the bushes and growled viciously at Xiaoyu, who screamed in fright and said, "The swamp monster!" Her panda bear snarled and prepared itself for an assault. Asuka's courage sank. Why wasn't that panda afraid? This might prove to be a more difficult task than she had supposed.

Nonetheless, she walked slowly onward, making growling noises. "Growr, growr!" She had practiced making these noises last night, while she and Jin were making the costumes. She had been so good at it that Jin had cautiously asked her if the Devil had already possessed her as well.

Okay, so she was having fun. But something really unexpected happened: she tripped over a rock. Asuka struggled to maintain her balance, but the heavy costume was turning out to be her worst enemy here. She rolled to her right, completely at the mercy of the weight of her suit. Suddenly, just before she was about to roll into the bog water, she bumped into Lili, who was crawling out of the lake.

"You whore!" hissed Lili. "You said you were diving in after me!"

"She was too close!" said Asuka, trying to get up. "She would've seen me anyway!"

Lili tried to punch her, but Asuka parried it. She pushed Lili, who was pushing her back -

"Woaaah!"

They slipped across the mossy land and SPLASH! they fell into the water. Despite her weighty suit, Lili managed to come up to the surface first, spitting out the disgusting water that had come inside her mouth. It sure did taste as icky as it looked. She heard Xiaoyu say something along the lines of a crocodile coming to eat them. Then Lili watched as she and her panda ran off.

A crocodile coming to eat them? This was not good.

Asuka resurfaced, but Lili grabbed her head and submerged it into the water before she could inhale. "Damn you! See how you like the taste of swamp water, you filthy -"

Asuka, her lungs screaming for air, power-punched Lili in the stomach, causing the latter to reel back and release her poor head. Asuka came up and took a deep breath. "I told you, she was too close!" she snapped. She cast her eyes towards the shore. "Hell! Where are they?"

"They ran away," replied Lili, holding her stomach. She turned to face her rival. "Xiaoyu said something about a crocodile coming to eat us. _Are_ there crocodiles here?"

Asuka suppressed a chuckle. How gullible can this brat get! "Of course not! The last time I went here with my dad, we never saw a single..." She trailed off, her eyes widening to the size of frying pans as she looked at something behind Lili. "C-c-c-crocodile!"

However, Lili was not about to be tricked by her amateur acting. "Hmph. I'm not falling for tha-" She was cut off as she felt a strong ripple on her right. But Asuka was too far away to cause that... She slowly turned her head to her right, and there was the crocodile, seemingly motionless, but it was staring at her with its small, unblinking eyes that said, "It's dinnertime."

Lili squealed like a pig about to be butchered. She kicked the hideous reptile away and swam towards shore, cursing her swamp monster suit loudly for slowing her down.

Asuka was already up on the shore. She had gotten up and was about to run in the opposite direction and just leave both the monsters behind, but she hesitated, looking at Lili, who was struggling to swim. She sighed, then held out her hand for her rival to grab. "Hold on!"

Lili did grab her hand, and Asuka was surprised at her weight. Was it the costume, or did Lili start pigging out after the tournament ended? She tried to hoist Lili up, but the soft soil gave way, and both of them skidded back in the water and straight towards the crocodile's mouth.

"Aaaahh! Get it off me! Get it off me!"

Beware of karma.


	3. Second Attempt: Panda Clone

Second Attempt: Panda Clone

Lili waited for Asuka on her front porch, applying ointment on her sore left arm. The crocodile had turned out to be more brutal than they'd thought, but she and Asuka had somehow managed to work together and knock it out - after it had taken a bite at Lili's arm and swatted its tail at Asuka's face, of course.

Finally, the doorbell rang, and a maid came to the gates. Asuka came in, her face a mass of bandages. She looked around at the perfectly manicured front garden and up at the huge white mansion, seemingly amazed at the sights. She wasn't about to tell her sworn enemy how nice her place was, though. She approached Lili. "You got an idea?"

Lili put down the ointment tube. "Yes, and it's whole lot BETTER than yours."

Asuka immediately grimaced. "Hey, I didn't know there were killer crocodiles in there. And YOU didn't know better."

"Well, maybe we should double-check our plans before acting on them, then."

Adjusting one of her bandages, Asuka asked, "So what's your fail-safe plan?" Talking and arguing about that unfortunate incident that had happened the other day wouldn't get them anywhere.

Lili picked up something from the table between them. It looked like a remote control device with all its colorful buttons. "This is the remote for a contraption I had a scientist make me yesterday."

"What contraption?" Why wouldn't she just get to the point already?

"A panda bear clone," answered Lili. "All we have to do is replace Xiaoyu's panda with my robot panda, then we'll harass Xiaoyu to our heart's content." She haughtily looked at Asuka, who was still adjusting her bandages. "What d'you think?"

"There is one initial problem. How in the world are we going to get past the real panda?" Asuka pointed out.

Lili beamed arrogantly, as if she was expecting her to ask this very question. "I had hired a spy to sneak into Xiaoyu's house and fire his stun gun at her real panda while they're sleeping. She's now tied up in the woods, still snoozing for God knows how long. As for our robot panda, she'd already infiltrated her house and is slumbering with her right now."

Asuka admitted to herself that this plan was rather more ingenious than the first, but she'd rather have a rematch with that crocodile than say the ingenuity of the plan to Lili's face. Instead, she said, "Then if that remote controls the robot, shouldn't we go to Xiaoyu's house now? I mean, if Xiaoyu wakes up and finds out that her panda's gone through rigor mortis -"

"Relax." Lili crossed her legs and sat back on her chair. "The bear's on automatic mode, which means she does the actions Xiaoyu's real panda bear would do. The remote's only for manual mode."

"I see. And who made this... robot?"

"One of the top scientists in the world: Doctor Boskonovitch. But what the hell do you care. All we need to know is that he's smart and reliable." Lili glanced up at Asuka. "Not like some other people out there."

Asuka narrowed her eyes. She tried to control her temper - she would be at a disadvantage if they fought in Lili's house. "I'm not impressed, as I still have to see how it works."

"Very well, then." Lili flipped open her phone and called her butler. "Sebastian? I need a driver. No, right now." She ended the call and stood up. "Come on, let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"We're following Xiaoyu and test our baby out on her. And I'm not squeezing in your stupid excuse for a bike again. We're using my car this time."

Xiaoyu was simply excited. She'd bought tickets for that amusement park! Now she, Panda, and Miharu could have their freedom of doing whatever they wanted! "Aren't you just thrilled, Panda?" she said, jumping about in her room. Panda simply grunted in response.

Laughing, Xiaoyu gave Panda a playful shove. Panda felt a bit… harder to touch than usual, but she didn't mind. "I couldn't have said it better!"

"I thought we were going to her house?" asked Asuka as the luxury car they were in stopped in front of Happyland, the new amusement park everyone was talking about.

"The GPS we attached to the panda clone had us go this way," said Lili as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She tossed the remote upward, and Asuka looked at it.

"I suppose you know how that thing works?"

"I'm not a jerk who thinks she's got it all by just winging it." She addressed the driver: "You're free for now, but when I call you and say you have to come back right now, follow my orders and COME BACK RIGHT NOW." The driver gulped and looked scared, as Lili looked like she was going to transform into Azazel and gobble him up. Without waiting for the driver to say something, Lili opened the car door, got out with the poise of a pampered rich brat, and slammed it shut in Asuka's face. Asuka opened the door and closed it so hard that the driver was afraid the glass was shattered and the door wouldn't open again.

"Let's go find that Xiaoyu," said Asuka, taking care to step really hard on Lili's newly-polished shoes before moving ahead of her.

Xiaoyu bought burgers and soda for the three of them. They ate on one of the benches. "Too bad we can't try the Ferris Wheel for another hour, huh?" remarked Xiaoyu as she sat back down.

"Yeah," answered Miharu. "Turns out some rich kid rented it for a couple of hours."

They unwrapped their burgers and began eating. However, Panda didn't touch her food. Xiaoyu had been observing her, and Panda was acting all cuckoo all day, like she was some robot or something.

"What's wrong, Panda?" asked Miharu. "I thought you love cheeseburgers."

Before anyone could react, Panda picked up her soda bottle, shook it vigorously, and opened it at Miharu's face. Xiaoyu's friend was immediately drenched in the softdrink. Then Panda separated her burger buns and placed them on Miharu's head.

"Hey!" Xiaoyu exclaimed, holding Panda back. Panda shook her away, tore open a packet of ketchup, and decorated Miharu's face with it. "Stop that!" said Xiaoyu. "Miharu's allergic to ketchup!"

People all around them were beginning to stare as Panda stood up, lifted their bench where a petrified Xiaoyu and a reddening Miharu were still sitting on, and turned the bench over, causing the two best friends to fall headfirst on the flagstones. Panda roared. Children began to scream and run around. Someone went to call the police.

Asuka was laughing so hard she was finding it difficult to breathe. Lili had paid the guy managing the Ferris Wheel so they could solo it for an hour, and now both of them could see people panicking and shrieking down below as their maniac robot panda snarled and kicked aside the bench. "Let me have a turn at it!" said Asuka. "We haven't even started harassing Xiaoyu herself yet."

Lili was also laughing as she made the panda do a little victory dance. "Do you know how to control it?"

"Duh. I've SEEN you use it." Lili handed it to her, but before Asuka could do anything with it -

"RAAAAWRRR!"

The girls looked down to the direction of the sound. And there was - Xiaoyu's real panda!

"What the f-"

"How did she get out of the forest?" screamed Lili before Asuka could complete her menacing remark. She wrenched the remote away from Asuka. "Give me that. I have to fight that pan -"

"I thought you were giving it to me!" sassed Asuka, snatching back the remote.

"You don't know its controls for fighting!"

"Oh, I know, all right. I know better than you do. All the best Tekken players in the world know that you just have to mash the buttons mercilessly till your fingers go to intensive care."

"Well, don't mash that remote, because it's MINE -"

"Shut your piehole -"

The real panda closed in on their panda clone and hurled it a hundred feet into the air, past an airplane that happened to be passing by at that unfortunate moment.

"I'm beginning to feel sorry for your limo," said Asuka solemnly.

"Then give me the remote," said Lili, and Asuka complied. She pressed a few buttons to activate the panda clone's rocket boosters so it could land safely back to earth and fight the real panda, but nothing seemed to work. Following Asuka's advice in panic, Lili mashed the buttons, hoping for the best. "Is something happening?" she asked, looking upward.

"I can't even see our panda anymore!" said Asuka, her eyes scanning the skies. "But - wait!" She pointed to a flying something in the air. "But that's not our panda... It looks more like... a human girl with pink hair!" And so it was. The pink-haired girl soared gracefully through the air.

"What!" Dr. Boskonovitch must have mixed up the controls of another of his crazy inventions! Lili thought. What IS with that old man? She wasn't going to sit pretty on top of the world anymore and watch the mayhem fix itself. She called the man operating the Ferris Wheel. "Take us down!"

They were taken down. The two rivals alighted from the Ferris Wheel. "I don't know how to control the girl!" said Lili as the mysterious pink-haired female landed, uprooted a tree, and used it as a baseball bat to fling benches at the people. Xiaoyu and Miharu called out to the girl to make her stop, but as the girl turned around to see who was calling her, she accidentally swung the tree, effectively knocking out the two best friends.

"Oh, give me that!" Asuka took the remote and indiscriminately mashed the buttons. The pink-haired girl went up to the real panda and they started to fight. An announcer somewhere shouted, "Round one, fight!"

But everyone and everything was silenced when they all heard a gunshot.

"No, stop that!" yelled a police officer who worked his way through the large crowd. It was the legendary super cop Lei Wulong! He aimed his pistol at the pink-haired girl. "You and that other panda are both under arrest for destroying amusement park property and terrorizing the people."

Instead of throwing the tree she was holding at Lei, the pink-haired girl shook her head innocently. "I'm not controlling my actions," she said. "I'm only an innocent robot, who has no choice but to obey the commands of its master." As if to prove that she was a robot, she nonchalantly removed her head from her neck and reattached it.

Lei was stunned, as well as the rest of the crowd. Who wouldn't be? "Who's your master, then?"

The pink-haired robot girl pointed to Lili and Asuka.

"CRAP!" yelled Asuka, throwing the remote to the ground and smashing it with her foot. "Is that robot girl even on our side?"

"After them!" said Lei. The crowd raised their fists and roared in approval.

"RUN!" yelled Lili as the angry mob and Lei started to pursue them. She fumbled with her phone and dialed her driver. "Driver! Where are you? WE NEED TO GO NOW!" She waited for a reply, but heard none. "Where are you? Pick up!" She cursed and pocketed her phone. "Damn it all, where is that man?"

"Who needs him?" said Asuka, also running for dear life. They headed towards the parking lot and found Lili's car. They fought over who was going to get in first, and after a little bit of a struggle (and a bit of motivation as the crowd was gaining on them), Lili ended up on the driver seat, with Asuka on the passenger seat. "Come on, drive!" yelled Asuka.

Lili looked at her as if she was joking. "Are you serious? I... I don't know how to drive! That's why I hire dr-"

Asuka kicked her towards the backseat. ("Ouch!") "Then let ME drive!" She hastily jammed the keys into the ignition and started the car. But she didn't know if that was as far as she could get with it.

"Do YOU know how to drive?" said Lili, recovering from Asuka's attack and seeing her rival's hesitation.

"Um, I once stole Jin's motorbike and experimented on it," said Asuka, making her statement sound like a question. She gripped the wheel, trying to look confident. She was in fact scared as scared could get, but she had to show Lili that she had more moral fiber than her, even if it meant driving to hell... without a learner's permit.

"Just... once?" said Lili, feeling very apprehensive. They were up for a rollercoaster ahead, she was sure of it.

"Yup." However, Asuka did manage to get the car on the road - that is, after getting a few dents and scratches on Lili's car. But Lili didn't mind - who would if super cop Lei Wulong was after your ass! Pretty soon they were overspeeding at a hundred and fifty miles an hour on the highway, and they could hear ominous police sirens behind them.

"SLOW DOWN, you bit-" Lili began, but Asuka made a sharp right turn, causing Lili to bump her head really hard on the side window.

"How the HELL do you do that!" Asuka shouted back. They were up for a rollercoaster ride, alright.


	4. Third Attempt: McDonald's Date

Third Attempt: McDonald's Date

I don't own Tekken, and I don't own McDonald's either - or I'll be three hundred pounds heavier by now from eating too many free French fries. Mmm, French fries…

"I can't believe it." Asuka shook her head. The two of them were in Lili's front porch again, sipping tea Sebastian had prepared for them.

"Can't believe what?" Lili gingerly touched the left side of her head, which was wrapped in bandages. It still hurt, and a lot at that, even after three days had gone by. She had no one but Asuka to blame for this, but then again, they had not yet settled their score with that highly evasive and troublesome Xiaoyu, so Asuka had to wait... for now. Lili was actually beginning to regret making this temporary truce with Asuka. It proved to be nothing but an unnecessary waste of time and money so far.

Asuka grinned at seeing Lili wince at the pain of her aching head. "I can't believe we actually _bribed_ ourselves out of there."

"Money can get you anything," replied Lili, picking up her teacup daintily and drinking from it. "You only realized that now?"

"That's not true," said Asuka, smirking. "If it is, why haven't you defeated me yet?"

Lili frowned at this direct attack. "You should be grateful I was kind enough to pay for you, or else you'd be rotting in jail hanging out with your idiot boyfriend Hwoarang."

"Excuse me?" said Asuka. "Hwoarang is SO not my type, for your information." She changed the subject. "Still... bribe legendary super cop Lei Wulong? I mean, Lei Wulong! Is that even possible?"

"We just did it," said Lili, suspicious at Asuka's sudden change of topic, but decided to let it pass; maybe she'll investigate the case at a later date. "Who could resist five hundred thousand dollars?"

Asuka shrugged. "You do have a point there. But even so... we frightened the poop out of all the people in the park, refused to be arrested, crashed into six cars, oversped... wow, this sure is corruption country. Small wonder why most people are forced to join politics."

"Yeah," agreed Lili, remembering how she got the bump on her head, "but we failed, all the same. We didn't humiliate Xiaoyu, we humiliated _ourselves_." She took another sip of tea, took the teapot, and poured herself her third serving. Asuka wondered if tea was like marijuana to Lili. "Well, it's your turn again to think of something." She looked up at her rival, who hadn't even touched her teacup yet. "You got any?"

Asuka beamed nastily. "I forced Jin to ask Xiaoyu out on a date."

Lili was surprised, to put it mildly. "That _emotionless_ twerp?"

"Yup. You don't know how long I nagged him at it. I even cleaned his messy room for him. And don't even get me started on the toile-"

"So we're going to ruin what should be the time of Xiaoyu's life?" interrupted Lili. There was no need to listen to Asuka's rants. She didn't want to feel what she wasn't supposed to feel for her nemesis.

"That's right," said Asuka, still not bothering with her teacup. "It's going to be tomorrow, and I know exactly how their date will go - unlike a certain someone who just _thinks_ she knows what will happen."

"Wow. The cold and indifferent Jin goes on a date with Xiaoyu," said Lili, ignoring Asuka's biting comment. "Speaking of cold, I wonder what happened to Dr. Boskonovitch's pink-haired girl invention thingie?"

"From now on," said the amusement park owner, shoving a wrench into the pink-haired girl's hands, "you're going to fix the rides with the rest of my men. Since you don't decide for yourself, and you don't have any relatives who can get you out of jail, I'll let you just work for me to compensate for the damages you did to my park."

"Thank you very much, Mister. I beg your pardon, but my name isn't 'you,' " said the girl politely - perhaps a little too politely. The owner was actually starting to freak out at her unusual behavior. "I am Alisa." She put down the wrench and shook the amusement park owner's hand - er, whole body. "It's a pleasure to meet you." She put the owner down, who held on to a railing to keep himself from stumbling. However, he did stumble, falling butt-first to the ground.

Alisa covered her open mouth with a gloved hand. "I am truly sorry, Mister. Let me help you up." She held out a hand, and as the owner grabbed it, he accidentally pushed a button at the back of her hand. A chainsaw popped out from her arms.

"Gaaah!"

"Who cares a damn about her?" said Asuka, waving a hand. "She won't be any harm. She's naïve and all that, and all she can do is pop her head off and put it back on. I'm sure she's already a big crowd-pleaser in that amusement park."

Shrugging, Lili noticed Asuka's untouched teacup. She picked it up and held it out to her. "You don't drink this stuff?"

Asuka was surprised at her lack of hostility. "It's probably got poison in it."

"It's from the same teapot I get my tea from," said Lili. "And don't offend my poor Sebastian. Here, try it." She splashed its hot contents to Asuka's still bandaged face.

Asuka stood up, enduring what felt like second-degree burns on her face, and snatched her cup from Lili, who was laughing out loud. She said, "Oops, my cup's empty. Let me fill it up again." She picked up the teapot, filled it up, and deliberately poured the still steaming liquid, both from the teacup and the teapot, on Lili's skirt. "Hey, Sebastian, your giant baby wet her pants laughing!"

"So, Jin, how do you like the mall?" said Xiaoyu, jumping around like a bunny rabbit as usual. Panda sighed. She may have gotten used to her hopping about, but keeping an eye on her while she's at it was always a headache.

Jin didn't answer. Instead, he looked around for suspicious people. He couldn't deny the possibility that Jinpachi could be that red-haired clown mascot of McDonald's...

Xiaoyu saw him eyeing the restaurant. "Oh, are you hungry?" she asked. "Well then, let's go!" She took Jin's hand and dragged him in the restaurant, where they were greeted by long lines. Xiaoyu pouted. "Looks like we're waiting for a while."

Jin observed his surroundings and recognized Bob and Raven, who were chowing down one quarter pounder after another as if in a race (Raven seemed to be winning, as the burgers seemed to literally disappear before Jin's very eyes); Marshall, who was trying to apply for the position of head cook with Paul (and was hiding a bottle of laxative behind his back); Feng Wei, who was staring at a French fry for ages as if expecting it to catch fire at his gaze; and King, who was awkwardly trying to say a coherent word to his date, Yoshimitsu (who was also trying, and ultimately failing, to say something coherent to him in return).

Finally, they were at the counter. The person in front of them was - Nina Williams, wearing the famous golden arches in her hair!

"Good afternoon, welcome to McDonald's!" she said in a fake cheery voice, which… admittedly wasn't working out. She tried to smile, and her eyes twitched. "May I take your order?"

Xiaoyu hopped towards her. "Sure! I'll have a -"

"Oh no, you don't!" shouted Anna Williams, who was also taking orders beside Nina. She faced Jin, ignoring her current customer Mokujin, who was making hand gestures to say that he was ordering a root beer float, not a shish kebab dipped in strawberry ice cream and topped with salad croutons. She spanked Nina aside. "May I take your order, sir?" she said to Jin in what she hoped was a seductive tone.

"I thought we agreed on this, Anna," growled Nina, a red hand mark forming on her cheek. "You mind your own line, I mind my own line. Strictly no flirting. You disgrace our employer." She punched Anna in the face. Anna fell down, but the shock was absorbed by her enormous bosom. She got up.

"Shut up!" said Anna, her busts bouncing in excitement. And the Williams sisters began another one of their epic slapping fights. People were crowding around and placing bets on who was going to win this time.

Meanwhile, Jin was getting impatient. After twenty long minutes waiting in the line, he wasn't about to waste another second in starvation now that they were at the counter. He banged his fist on the counter, giving it a huge crack that ran from end to end, and said in a deceptively calm tone, "Enough!"

Immediately the fighting stopped, and the crowd went back to their dining tables. Jin always had that mysterious authority over people.

Anna, after a few seconds, angrily raised her manicured middle finger at her sister, who lazily flicked it aside. Anna gasped in pain as she nursed her broken fingernail. Nina turned back to Xiaoyu and did her best million-dollar-smile stint again. "May I take your order?"

"You freak!" said Lili, looking at the TV screen which showed a live recording of Nina and Anna slapping each other to death even after Jin tried to stop them. It felt like they were watching one of those punk reality shows. "Of all people to hire, you went for _Nina_ and _Anna Williams_? They're on good terms as a lobster and a -"

"Shut it, you blonde rhesus monkey," Asuka cut in, shoving a French fry in her mouth. "I _wanted_ Nina and Anna. They'll devastate Xiaoyu and Jin's day for me. Besides, I'm not going to pay them."

"Y-you're not?" stuttered Lili. "You tricked them? You _do_ realize how DANGEROUS these women are -"

"I'm not going to pay them," repeated Asuka. "YOU are."

"What?"

"Yeah, I promised you'd pay them a few million dollars each," said Asuka calmly, sitting back on her chair and ignoring Lili's aghast expression. "It was easy, really. First I got Nina, lured her in with the money, and had her brag to Anna that she was getting filthy stinking rich like you are. Of course, I only had to wait a few seconds before Anna pitched in as well."

"Why, you -" Lili stood up abruptly and pushed her chair away.

Suddenly, they heard shouts on the TV screen. As the two girls looked, it turned out that Hwoarang had somehow gotten out of jail and was now barging in with his 'girlfriend', Christie Monteiro (who looked like she was forced there and was dragged the whole time). Hwoarang bragged about his 'girlfriend' to Jin. Xiaoyu bit back that Jin was with her, and King roared out his frustration of not having a proper conversation with Yoshimitsu. Of course, everyone thought he roared "Fight!" or something, and Raven rang the bell to say that he'd finished all thirty quarter pounders before Bob, and everyone thought that that was the fight bell. Nina and Anna began throwing Coke and gravy at each other, Marshall was forcing Paul to drink the laxative, and Feng Wei succeeded to set the French fry on fire, and ended up setting his whole table aflame. Eddy Gordo entered the restaurant and demanded Christie back, and he and Hwoarang fought for a woman who had already fleed the place. Craig Marduk demanded a cheeseburger deluxe, but when he found that the waitresses were busy frying each other and were ignoring him, he complained of the lousy customer service and proceeded to turn the tables and chairs over in a rampage. Bryan Fury went in and erratically fired his machine gun at everyone else, laughing like crazy. Zafina entered the place, said something about two dark stars coming into contact in the restaurant, and fought everyone indiscriminately, thinking that all of them were a threat to the world's survival. Ganryu noticed the brawl from outside and joined in to ruin the restaurant's reputation and have everyone eat in his Chanko Paradise restaurant instead. Kuma joined the brawl to try and impress Panda. Miguel de Caballero Rojo came in with his pet bull and joined the free-for-all commotion just for the hell of it.

It became an all-out war for nothing but nothing within five seconds.

Jin looked around at the brouhaha around him. He had lost Xiaoyu and Panda somehow. He ducked in time to avoid an apple pie (CAUTION: HOT!) from colliding with his face. He tried to shout again for everybody's attention, but no one minded him. Jin was suddenly overcome with anger. He did not choose this to happen; he only wanted to find his family and kill them all off, and look what happens instead! His irritation and anger – and hunger – increased to inhuman amounts. The thing he most feared happened: he sprouted wings and horns, he was wearing chains, his hands turned into claws, and he was laughing maniacally - the Devil had taken over him!

In the mayhem around, still nobody took any notice of him. But Devil Jin ignored this. It was time to get revenge on the root cause of this pandemonium. He flew off.

"What now?" said Lili, panicking. "Where's Xiaoyu in all this chaos?"

"I can't find her!" said Asuka, eyes glued to the TV screen. "Did she escape with her panda?"

"There goes the target. Now how are we supposed to get out of this place if the third world war's happening downstairs, and there are no emergency exits around?"

"Dunno," said Asuka, realizing this just now. She tried to think quickly. "Maybe we could -"

The door burst open and a hideous monster with black wings and a disturbing face came in! "You dare mess with the Devil?" said the monster in a very creepy voice. "I'll teach you the meaning of fear!"

"Son of the Devil!" exclaimed Lili, backing into a corner. "Who the hell is he?"

"Devil Jin!" yelled Asuka, also inching away from the intruder. "Bull crap, of all people to barge in on us!"

"What?" Lili said. "You _didn't_ tell me Jin had a Devil form!"

"You don't know?" said Asuka, silently praying for a miracle. "Weren't you able to fight him in the King of Iron Fist Tournament 5?"

"Dammit, don't remind me!" replied Lili. "He was in Stage 8, wasn't he? You beat me in Stage 7!"

Asuka was about to smile at this when Devil Jin said, "Fear the wrath of God!" and released a powerful Kamehameha at them, turning the table they were hiding behind into dust.

"Somebody saaaaave meeeee!"

"Oh, shut up."


	5. Attempt… to Get Away from the Devil!

Attempt… to Get Away from the Devil!

"Okay, this is so not in the script," said Asuka, inching away as Devil Jin slowly advanced toward them, his eyes shining red… blood red!

Lili, who had never fought Devil Jin before and hence did not know what he was capable of, took a different approach and smiled at him. "Hey, maybe we could be friends," she said innocently. "I'll ride on your back and you'll fly away like a hippogriff and bring me straight to a Justin Bieber concert anywhere in the world!"

"Justin Bieber?" yelled Asuka. "Get your stinky feet off him, he's MINE!"

"No, he's not! _I _gave him that Powerpuff Girls polka dot hoodie he wore in the _Baby_ music video!" Lili roared back. "Do you know how much it cost me to –"

"He didn't wear a Powerpuff Girls polka dot hoodie in that video," countered Asuka, standing up to face Lili. "Hell, I don't believe he's even worn a Powerpuff Girls polka dot hoodie all his life!"

"SHUT UUUP!" shouted Devil Jin, who could not relate to what either of them were saying (the only music artists he liked were Led Zeppelin and Miley Cyrus). "Don't you get it? I'm about to eat you! You should be screaming like sissies!"

"No, you shut up, Jin," said Asuka, pushing him away with one hand. "Don't you see we're talking about something of utmost importance?" She glared at him, then at Lili.

"Do you even know how the 'never say never' thing works?" asked Lili, crossing her arms. "When you say 'never say never', you end up saying 'never' anyway?"

Asuka shrugged. "Yeah, that'll haunt JB fans for years. I like to think that he should have sang 'never say that word I began this statement with'."

Lili huffed. "That's too long to replace the lyric."

"Jaden could always rap that part."

"Aw, come _on_!" hollered Devil Jin, waving his arms and flapping his sinister black wings. "I'm about to lift both of you up in the air with my pseudo-electric power!"

"I can't believe he's not dating _me_," continued Lili, completely ignoring Devil Jin, even as his rabid dog breath began to stink up the room. "I mean, I'm pretty and independent and rich and –"

"And totally conceited!" interrupted Asuka, clenching her fists.

Devil Jin was getting angrier and angrier by the second. He released a red beam of light, which struck both Lili and Asuka and sent them sprawling on the floor. He then stood over them, feeling triumphant. He formed his hands to release another Kamehameha to finish them off when –

The door smashed open and a stumbling Miguel Caballero Rojo came in, one hand holding a bottle of beer. His pet bull followed him in.

"Jin Kazama!" he shouted, his words slightly slurred. "You will pay for all your crimes!" And he added: "But we could forget about it if you allow me to go on a date with you!"

"NEVER!" said Devil Jin, turning around, the chain wrapped around his legs clinking menacingly.

Meanwhile, Miguel's pet bull took one look at Devil Jin's horns… and charged at him!

"Nooo!" said Devil Jin as the bull's horns immediately got entangled with his. "You scratched my horns! It's the new Giorgio Armani winter collection!" He whipped his head back and forth but the intertwined horns did not budge.

"I didn't know Armani made horns," said Lili, still half-unconscious.

"Well, now you know," said Devil Jin irritably. He stroked his horns, feeling the scratches. "I'll get back at you for this!" He gave Miguel a punch in the face, and red-faced Miguel ran off, sobbing. However, the bull was still decorating Devil Jin's face.

"So that's where my piggy bank went!" said Asuka in rage, suddenly realizing it. "You stole my money and bought those horns!"

"But I can say his fashion sense is a lot better than yours," Lili said smugly.

Before Devil Jin could answer to either of them, a panting Bryan Fury entered the room, machine gun at the ready. Asuka and Lili thought he was going to fire at them to minced meat or something, but he put the gun down. "What's up, old buddy," he said, wheezing. "Been quite a while."

"You set for another Freaky Laugh lesson?" asked Devil Jin. Few people know that Bryan Fury always came to Devil Jin for help on practicing his evil laugh. Devil Jin had always been happy to help him with the high E sharps, reverbs, and wicked echoes. He even taught him how to laugh while inhaling (and I won't be surprised if you, dear reader, begin to try laughing while inhaling right after you read that part).

"Yeah," replied Bryan, flexing his biceps. "I practiced that low A-to-A sharp-to-B over and over again to Dragunov the other day, and I can swear his nose hairs trembled in fright." (Now I order you to pick up a keyboard, play those notes, and try laughing that melody while inhaling. If someone comes up to you and asks if you're having some sort of epileptic fit, then you've done your job.)

"That makes me proud. Now we shall begin a lesson on glissando." Devil Jin, his anger disappearing, casually removed the bull from his head and threw it to the girls, who were just beginning to get up. They crashed back down on the floor, breaking a chair perfectly in half.

"I think the bull broke my scapula," Asuka hissed to Lili, doubling up in pain. The bull also groaned. The tips of his horns were broken off.

"Scapula?" Lili whispered back, raising an eyebrow. "Don't try to fool me. That's a kitchen tool for flipping burger patties, and I simply _despise_ burgers. They're too oily."

"But how do we get out of here?" said Asuka, frantically looking around. "My cousin wasted his money on horns, made a drunk guy cry like a baby, and is now teaching a madman how to dramatically change pitch while laughing. What part of all that is not evil?"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah-ha," sang Devil Jin, his hand held up in the air for emphasis. He then turned to Bryan, who looked very impressed. "Now you try."

"Evil," Lili agreed. She had never seen a weirder – and creepier – sight in her life, save for when she saw Julia Chang try to teach crickets to do the Makarena, but that's another story. "But why are you asking me what to do? You're the damn guy's cousin."

Asuka shifted her eyes to the TV screen. The whole restaurant was on fire, the emergency sprinklers were on but were doing nothing to alleviate the flames, all the tables and chairs were upturned, and everybody was gone now, except for Yoshimitsu and King, who had finally gotten along and were waltzing in the flames.

"It'll be hard to call for help," said Asuka. Then her eyes landed on a window to their left. "But maybe we could jump out of that."

Lili followed her gaze, and her eyes widened. "Oh nonoononnonoono, Miss I-Belive-I-Can-Fly. I am NOT jumping out of the eighteenth floor. That is _not_ a good way to get myself a spot in the news, if Daddy finds out –"

"Yes, you are. Would you rather suffer ear cancer from having to hear Bryan sing Pavarotti for the rest of the day?"

Lili thought for a moment as she heard Bryan's failed attemps to copy Devil Jin. "No. But," she added, raising a finger, "I have a strategy that will have us land unscathed." She slapped the bull on the back. "Get up and give us a ride out of here!"

To their surprise, the bull _meeeeh_ed, stood up, and lowered its hind legs so the girls could ride on him.

"I think he's a hybrid of sheep, horse, and bull," commented Asuka, amazed. "I'm going to name you Azazel and feed you fish pellets."

"Let's hope Devil Jin and Bryan don't notice us run off," said Lili, mounting on the bull's back. Asuka rode on behind her. The two men, fortunately, were still absorbed in their lesson. Lili patted the bull on the neck. "Go!"

The bull obediently dashed toward the window, horns ready to shatter the glass to splinters –

CRASH! The two girls fell down, down, down.

"On hindsight," Lili shouted over's the bull's pig-snorting, "I think the bull isn't fat enough to absorb the force we're making when we land."

"How'd you compute that?" said Asuka, horrified. Lili's hair was all over her face and the air was whistling on her ears.

"Just a guess," said Lili. "But when I make a mathematical guess, you better believe it, 'cause I won the Math Quiz Bee when I was in fifth grade." There was no need to tell her she had an earpiece dictating the answers to the questions then. She did make her father proud.

"Here's hoping we land on Ganryu," said Asuka, crossing her fingers.

"Here's hoping we land on Xiaoyu, so that we all die, but at least I exacted my revenge on both of you," said Lili.

They didn't land on Ganryu nor Xiaoyu. They landed on an unsuspecting Anna Williams, who fell face-first to the ground. It was a good thing though that Anna's big guns were big enough to, uh, cushion their fall.

"Omigad," whispered Asuka as they all got up and saw the killer expression on Anna's flattened face. It spelled D-E-A-T-H, all right. Oh, and Y-O-U F-O-R-G-O-T T-O P-A-Y F-O-R M-Y S-E-R-V-I-C-E-S.

Anna Williams gave the poor bull a powerful roundhouse, then a flying kick. The bull flew up and landed on Armor King's lunch, which was buffalo wings. There is no need to explain what happened next.

"Uh, I have to pee," said Lili pathetically, taking steps back from Anna.

Smoke was almost literally puffing out of Anna's ears. She had already lost to Nina today. She needed something to bring her fury out on. And these two girls were just perfect. She could imagine that Lili was Nina and that Asuka was Kazuya, whom she broke up with just yesterday because he was always talking about Jun to her.

"And I, uh, have a _Glee _audition scheduled this afternoon," said Asuka. _Why do our plans always, ALWAYS fail?_

Both girls ran for their lives, yelling curses and blaming each other, while Anna grinned a savage grin, adjusted her bra, and chased down her prey (no, there's no hidden cougar joke there).


	6. Fourth Attempt: A Party and a Scandal

Fourth Attempt: A Party… and a Scandal

Wait – just a bit of a heads-up for those guys who love or hate certain Tekken pairings. In this chapter I have taken a lot of liberty choosing who's with whom. Please note that these pairings are created purely for the sake of fun and nothing else. I do hope, though, you all agree that Marditsu is NEVER going to work out. Okay?

Oh, and you may have noticed that this chapter's a bit longer than my previous ones. I enjoyed writing this one down. Hope you enjoy reading it too.

* * *

Breathing a sigh of satisfaction, Lili put her diamond-studded pen down on the table and proceeded to arrange the envelopes in alphabetical order – if you can call putting 'Chaolan' in before 'Chang' alphabetical.

Lili and Asuka were sitting down, once again, on the front porch of the Rochefort manse, not just because Lili didn't want to sit anywhere else ("Do you know how _icky _the outside world can be? You're lucky I don't subject you to a disinfecting shower before allowing you in here"), but also because they had invited someone else to tag along with them this time.

"I don't understand why you invited me to tag along with you," said Leo, shifting in his/her seat. "I mean, I don't have anything against Xiaoyu. We're good friends, even –"

"The exact point," said Lili, not looking at Leo. "If Asuka and I make a direct approach to her, she might get suspicious. But if _you _approach her, she won't suspect a thing. Besides, you're my friend as much as hers –"

"Um, we just met when you called me on the phone fifteen minutes ago," said Leo.

"You spelled 'Boskonovitch' wrong," interrupted Asuka, inspecting Lili's neat handwriting on the back of one of the envelopes. "You swapped the letters."

"Crap," said Lili, snatching the envelope from Asuka's fingers. "'Voskonobitch' won't go unnoticed. I'll have to redo this –"

"And who the hell is 'Lars Bars?'" Asuka went on, picking up another envelope. She looked very amused, and began to look at all the envelopes.

"I-I think it's Lars Alexandersson," Leo piped in, raising a hand as if to remind the two girls that he/she still existed. "Two esses. He's the one who always dresses up as Cloud in cosplays. I don't think he knows he'll look better if he lets his hair down and dresses up as Genesis instead."

Lili pulled out a correction pen and began covering up her errors with white paint. "I don't think I've mentioned the full extent of this next plan to you, Parrot Face."

Asuka shrugged, apparently not hearing the affront. "Don't care. I like making fun of your spelling errors." She cackled as she read 'Dangyou' on the next envelope.

"I want to hear the plan," Leo said, trying not to get Asuka's contagious laughter get to him/her.

"Pretty simple," said Lili. "We just hand out these invitations to everyone. We're having a party here tonight."

Asuka almost fell off her chair howling as she read the next entry. "Master Roshi!"

Wait – what happened to Anna Williams and Devil Jin?

Well, after Bryan Fury nailed his last lesson and went off to try it out on Kuma, Devil Jin transformed back into Jin Kazama. As he was the last one standing on the restaurant, the McDonald's staff had no one to blame for the chaos but him. Poor Jin did not have the money to pay for the damages – scratch that, demolition – so like the pink-haired girl back in Episode Four, he was forced to be Jin the Builder and began to reconstruct the place.

And Anna Williams – when Asuka mentioned something about trying out for _Glee_, Anna quickly caught up with them and asked Asuka if _Glee_ had any more openings. Asuka had erratically answered that the show was still hiring extras for some dance number, so Anna bailed, dashed to the auditions, and did her own rendition of Celine Dion's "I Want You to Need Me" (while doing some… suggestive dance moves). She was immediately hired and can be seen in the next episode of the show – just keep an eye out for a singing worm mascot.

"This party's pretty cool," commented Bob, wolfing down his twenty-fifth slice of pizza. He raised a glass of punch to a red-faced Kazuya, who tossed up his root beer mug so suddenly its contents spilled all over JACK-6. It caused the machine inside the robot to malfunction, and JACK-6 began to fly around the room to chase Heihachi, who was dressed as a clown. Kuma was drinking his ninth bottle of champagne and was telling Mokujin, very soberly, how he and Panda didn't work out.

Lili nodded over to Leo, who was standing next to Xiaoyu, waiting for her signal. Xiaoyu, like most everyone else, was wearing a party hat. She was telling Christie about Zafina once having a crush on Bruce Irvin ("That 'I'm your worst nightmare' thing really got her"). Seven tables away, Asuka was looking at Lili.

"How can you be so sure that bottle's going to spin properly?" Asuka asked, crossing her arms.

"What, this?" Lili raised the empty soda bottle she was holding. "Why can't you trust me? Like I said, it's preprogrammed to point at the person I choose."

From the corner of Asuka's eye, she saw Leo dragging Xiaoyu over to them. Asuka rammed her elbow at Lili's ribs. "They're coming. You better announce that game now."

Lili punched her on the arm in revenge. "Alright." She picked up the wireless microphone from the table, _ahed_, and said, "Okay, everyone, I hope you're enjoying the party, 'cause you're all required to play the Spin the Bottle game right now. Those who do not join will be thrown out of the party –"

"What d'you mean, _thrown out_?" said Baek, horrified. He was enjoying the merriment so much he even asked Nina to dance with him (but she turned him down with her "I'm sorry, I don't play with amateurs" line).

"Shut your cowhole – this is _my _party," Lili replied over the microphone. "Everyone form a circle right about here" – she pointed to the open space in front of her – "and we'll begin shortly."

Everyone obediently sat down cross-legged in a wide circle. Zafina whispered to Eddy Gordo, "Keep your eyes open. I predicted a few seconds ago that this is where the two dark stars will come into contact."

"I thought they already collided in McDonald's," said Eddy, remembering last week's catastrophe.

"No, it was a solar eclipse," said Zafina with a wave of her hand. "Don't tell me you don't know the difference between those two. Basic astronomy, you know."

"I'm a Scorpio," Bob said helpfully, raising his hand.

"I'm a leopard," roared Armor King.

"I thought you were a cougar!" exclaimed Paul Phoenix, scratching his head.

"_Anna_'s the cougar, idiots," said Nina Williams scathingly. She was still angry at the fact that Anna beat her into getting a spot on _Glee_. A lot of people thought that Nina hated singing, and they were almost always right, but Nina actually sang Queen's _Somebody to Love_ like a pro all the time in the shower. Anna had managed to film her at it once, but it was a good thing Nina was able to smash her sister's camcorder – and her face – before the video got uploaded to the internet and caused the scandal of the century. She now decided to get back at her. She went on, "If you only saw her getting it on with Lars a week ago –"

"But Lars had this thing going on with the pink-haired robot who works in the amusement park," said Steve Fox in that British accent all the girls in the room found… attractive. "I was there yesterday and paid that gent there twenty bucks just to see her remove her effin' head and put it back on!"

"Mortal fools!" shrieked Zafina. "I said astronomy, not astrology!"

"They're one and the same," Hwoarang argued. He turned to Steve. "Why isn't Lars here? And what was that you just said about a pink-haired robot?"

"SHUT UP," Lili practically squealed at the microphone. She sat down on the circle right beside Xiaoyu. "Lars has unfortunately declined my invitation because he had to take care of Tekken Force matters. Now let's begin." She held up the bottle in her hand. "I will spin this bottle and the person the bottle points to when it stops spinning will have no choice but to kiss the person I specify. Or he or she will get beat up by everyone else."

Everyone groaned.

"D'oh," said Ganryu stupidly. "I only got the 'get beat up by everyone else' bit." Dragunov, who had never alerted anybody to his presence in the party before now, chose that moment to power-punch him in the face.

"Everyone understand?" said Lili, trying to ignore the, uhm, fluttering of her, uh, central organ. Alright, I'll say it: she's in love with Dragunov. She had been since she heard him sing Sweet Thing's _Dance Mother_ after fighting Lei Wulong (whom she had enough brains not to invite to the party). It really turned her on. He's the _bishounen_ type, but only by Lili's definition.

"Just one question," said Paul, raising a hand, "what if the bottle points to _you_?"

Lili smiled. That would never happen. She did fifty-eight test runs on the thing just to make sure the end didn't land on her. "Then you get to choose whom I do it with," she said confidently. "Shall we continue?"

After hearing everyone's reluctant assent, she spun the bottle. As she expected, it stopped at Craig Marduk, who began to shiver. He's one of those never-been-kissed guys, not that it needed much explaining. And he'd like to stay that way, thank you very much.

"Julia Chang. Do it," ordered Lili, pointing at a very freaked-out Julia.

"Oh my goodness," muttered Julia, inching away from Marduk. She was afraid his breath would smell like rotten eggs or something.

"_No_!" bellowed Ganryu, springing up. His face was still scarlet where Dragunov hit it. "Ganryu not allow it. Never!"

"Aw, come on, sumo-man," said Kazuya, who was secretly curious about how the smooch would turn out. "This is just for fun."

Ganryu frowned, thought for a long moment, then sat back down. Marduk tentatively approached Julia, who still looked very unsure about all this. Marduk told her, "You had any experience with this sort of thing?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Julia replied. "Just don't stick your to-"

"Get your cameras ready, folks – this ain't gonna last long!" yelled Heihachi, still dressed as a clown. Everyone immediately took out their cameras.

"This is embarrassing," Julia said, looking around.

"You better be ready." Marduk grabbed her back and pulled her in, crushing their mouths together for long enough to get everyone cheering (and a few others averting their eyes). When Marduk let go of her, Julia's face was already a bright shade of green. She dashed to the restroom and never came out.

"The poor thing," said Christie, shaking her head. A few people nodded and did _tut-tut_ noises, but most of them were too busy applauding Marduk's success to even care.

Lili quickly saved the three-second-long video on her pink camera and spun the bottle again, and everyone became silent. It spun and spun and spun… and stopped right at Asuka.

Which was all part of Lili's diabolical plan.

Lili pointed to Hwoarang. "Him. Now." She had sworn to herself she would investigate the case at a later date. She never forgot it.

Asuka looked at her with more loathing than Lili could ever imagine her. Her eyes were, to put it mildly, _burning_. "Bitch! You preprogrammed it to –"

"Ooooh-kaaaay," said Lili loudly, drowning out the rest of Asuka's tirade. "Hey, it's playing fair, right? The bottle stopped at her."

Everyone nodded and said words of agreement. Asuka continued to curse Lili in English, Japanese, and her own pseudo-language ("I curse you to poop barbed wire and have 99 stupid half-pig children and eat bull crap for breakfast everyday and crash your car on Jinpachi's butt and…").

On the other hand, Hwoarang was looking at Asuka rather endearingly. Having a huge crush on your worst enemy's cousin is one of the lamest clichés in history, but that's just how it was. He stood up and kneeled right in front of Asuka.

"Hey, it's going to be all right," he said, taking Asuka's arm (sorry for all Hwoarasuka (or whatever you call it) haters out there). "Just one second. Come on."

"Screw you!" exclaimed Asuka, trying to free herself of Hwoarang's grasp. "I don't –" This was cut off by Hwoarang's hand holding her face steady (cheesy, but you know you want to play it back in your head over and over), and Asuka had seemed to have given up struggling altogether –

"_Oh. My. Gods,_" said Lili, at a loss for anything else to say. She was covering her mouth, and her eyes were becoming the size of dinner plates. This was both worse and better than she had first expected, but it was more better than worse. Everyone in the circle was as silent as… anything that was so sickeningly silent. She wished that her high-definition camera still had enough memory to record _five seconds _–

When the two finally… broke apart (pardon my many ellipses – I'm not good at this), Asuka stood up faster than anyone could say "Dang!" and followed Julia into the restroom, not even bothering to raise the finger at Lili.

Hwoarang raised his arms in victory. "Whoopee-doo!"

A great celebration ensued. Kazuya was already spraying everyone with champagne, Kuma was jumping up and down (causing the chandelier above them to shake violently), and Lee Chaolan and Eddy Gordo were beating each other to a pulp for reasons unknown.

"WAIT," Lili screamed into the microphone, trying not to cast a mischievous glance at Xiaoyu. "We still have room for one more spin. Come on, everyone, round yourselves up."

"Who was it?" asked Julia as she heard Asuka slam and lock the door behind her. Julia hadn't blown chunks yet, but she was already positioned at the sink. She decided that she was never going out of the restroom until two in the morning.

Asuka did a couple of deep breaths before answering. "Hwoarang."

Julia shook her head sympathetically and hugged the unmoving Asuka. "It's okay," she said, patting her back. "Marduk was worse – I could have sworn that I smelled –"

Asuka cut her off. "That monkey's going to pay for it," she said with gritted teeth.

"Who, Marduk?"

"No, the blonde rhesus monkey," Asuka said, letting go of Julia and opening the tap to wash her face. She loved using that metaphor, probably because it didn't sound at all like a metaphor to her. "I'm going to find a way to get back at her, no matter what it takes."

Julia advanced toward her. There was a glint in her eyes. "You know what? I'm in."

Lili spun the bottle one last time. It began to slow down… a few more inches and it was going to point to Xiaoyu… but then Kuma, in his drunken stupor, jumped up one last time, causing the bottle to gain a bit more momentum and swivel past her.

It stopped at Lili.

But you would have guessed it already, right?

Lili cursed under her breath, but everyone was already screaming, "Wang Jinrei! Wang Jinrei!" except for Paul, who was shouting… someone else's name. Care to guess who?

Old man Wang was already on his feet and approaching Lili in his signature limping fashion. "Wow, you're hot," he said slowly to Lili, who was taking a few steps back, already in her fighting stance.

"Grandpa!" said Xiaoyu, embarrassed and scared. "Did you drink too much champagne again? You're humiliating me in front of everyone!"

"You didn't tell me anything about being hot before," said Lili casually, trying to find some way out of the situation. If this was karma, it was working really well.

"Well, now I did," replied Wang, seizing Lili by the shoulders. There's something wrong with him, Lili thought. Something really wrong.

Xiaoyu must have noticed something too, because she snatched the microphone off Lili's fingers and yelled, "Attention, all girls! If you don't want my grandpa to do something really evil to you after Lili, I suggest hiding in the only place he has the manners not to enter – the girls' washroom!"

"Aaaaah!" At once, all the women still present at the party – Lili, Xiaoyu, Nina, Christie, Zafina, and Panda – scrambled for the loo, as the men tried to hold the insane Wang back. However, Christie noticed that Leo was not moving.

"Hey!" she yelled over to him/her. "Aren't you coming?"

Nina shot a glance at her. An evil one. "Are you kidding me? Let a guy in a _ladies rest_–"

"What?" said Christie. Why does everybody think he's a _guy _but her? "Leo's a chick, for crying out loud! She's half an A-cup, sure, but she's a legitimate –"

"What?" said Lili, completely mystified. "Leo looks like a pretty boy to me –"

"Well, you're mistaken," Christie spat. "I just had a conversation with her yesterday about what her favorite brand of ta–"

Xiaoyu waved her arms around to shut them all up. They were all wasting time, and her grandpa had already taken down both Paul and Dragunov. "Why don't we hear it straight from the horse's mouth?" she said. She then pointed at Leo, who swallowed nervously.

"I-I'm not a horse," stuttered Leo, uneasily shuffling away from them.

"Good, he's not gay," said Lili, sighing in relief.

"_Just tell us what you are_!" snarled Nina, her face beginning to turn violet with impatience. And boy, you will _NOT _like Nina when her face turns the same color as her clothes.

"Uhm, the thing is," began Leo, shifting _very _awkwardly in his/her standing position, "the thing is, um, I'm not what you call, _ahem_, an, uh, I don't know, a, uh… _gendered_ person –"

"Aha! I knew it!" said Zafina in triumph. "You're born with both a button and a –"

"No! No!" said Leo, shaking his/her head. "Please, just listen to me! I'm –" Before he/she could say the shocking revelation, however, a flying Victorian-style chair hit the back of his/her head, causing him/her to crash to the marble floor face-first, effectively knocking him/her out. A few yards away, a hungry-looking Wang Jinrei was lifting another chair, preparing to throw the projectile at the girls –

"Damn it!" cried Christie. She frantically shoved Lili away from the restroom door, as the latter apparently couldn't open it with her silly gloved hands.

"It's no use!" said Lili after she got up from the floor, her voice shrill with fear. "It's locked!" Christie tried in vain to turn the shiny golden knob, but the godforsaken thing just. Wouldn't. Turn.

"Stand BACK!" screeched Nina, pulling out a black hairpin from her back pocket. She kept hairpins, sleeping darts, stealth suits, rifles, and an extra life in her clothes all the time, because being prepared was her motto (and it will be your motto too if you have a sibling hell-bent on beating the crap out of you all the time). Just don't ask how she's able to keep them all in there.

But even the usually tranquil Nina was shaking as she inserted the hairpin into the door lock. She had never been stuck in this kind of problem before. Usually the only person who could get her into a life-or-death situation such as what was happening right now was her sister, but this was totally different. And, as she slowly pried the mechanisms in the lock, why was it so difficult to unlock this door?

"Just how many tumblers are in this thing?" she screamed to Lili, who was just beside her. Then Nina thought about this schoolgirl not knowing the first thing about picking a lock.

"What?" Lili asked. Just as Nina expected.

Panda was getting exasperated at all this. She roared in fury and raised her big, furry arms. Nina, eyes widening in fright, stood aside. Before anyone could blink, Panda rushed to the wooden door and rammed her whole body in, breaking the stupid thing to splinters. The girls ran inside, quick as lightning. Neither Julia nor Asuka was in sight, but what did any of them care now?

Meanwhile, Wang had already finished off the last of his opponents. He felt proud that he, a man with osteoporosis, rheumatism, and I-Want-to-Marry-a-Road-Sign Syndrome, would be able to take down Heihachi, Kuma, Dragunov, Hwoarang, Paul, and many others all at once. A mischievous smile was forming on his wrinkled face. "You think you've all outsmarted me by hiding in there, eh?" he muttered to himself, turning his attention to the women. "Well, you thought _wrong_."

He took a deep breath and made a circling motion with his fists, which he turned into palms. He uttered "_Wingardium Leviosa_!" and thrust both his palms forward, causing enough force to blow the party tables away, get the glass chandelier to crash to the floor, break windows open… and bring down the restroom walls the girls were trying to hide behind.

"Aw, come on!" Zafina's frustrated yell echoed from inside one of the cubicles. "Can't you see I'm trying to relieve myself of –"

"No, we can't see," answered Lili, turning her head to see Wang's silhouette walking deceptively calmly towards them. "And we have a bigger problem than stinky biggies, dude."

Wang roared at the same time all the women shrieked. The sight was too weird and hilarious for words.

"I'm gonna gobble you all up!" Wang announced.

"Would you like fries with that?"

* * *

Do you think I insert too much violence or random nonsense into the story? I think I do, but I also think it's perfectly normal, because these things happen all the time in real life. Tell me what you think, and note that I'm open to suggestions and negative comments ("Screw you, I LOVE Marditsu!" or something).


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